The "Should" On Your Shoulder

A shift in language can shift your mindset!
--Liz Jackson Hearns

We all have them, those things that keep us stagnant and prevent us from hearing wisdom. They stick to us and hold us back and get in the way of truly seeing ourselves. We all have Shoulds on our shoulders. Shoulds are tricky little buggers that can get very loud, and they are hard to get rid of. They say things like, “you should be better” or “you should practice more” or “you should look more confident on stage” or “you should have a passing voice.” Sometimes Shoulds get really mean and say things like, “you should not sing/play/make music” or “you should give up.” Oof.

Here’s the thing, though. Shoulds, loud and obnoxious as they are, have no power. Shoulds usually appear as distorted repetitions of something you heard from someone else, and are often driven by blind obligation to either other people or to society’s (completely made up) rules about voice, music, art, gender, etc. Shoulds can influence how you see and hear yourself, but they are not you. They probably didn’t even come from your own thoughts! You get to decide how much you listen to those pesky Shoulds. You can even take all their power away with some simple shifts in language that bring the focus back to you and away from what anyone else has told you to believe about yourself.

What if, instead of giving the Should a chance to nag at you with its inherent judgment, you replace it with the word “Could”? Coulds can give you courage, and Coulds give you agency. You could practice more. You could start to explore gender perception in voice, and you could learn skills that will make sure the world hears you accurately. You could sing into a mirror so that you could learn about how badass you look on stage. You could step into private lessons with boundless joy and real vulnerability. You could even acknowledge the Should that you’ve just taken off your shoulder, because now it’s pouting and wants attention, which you could give it, but now you know better.

As a teacher, I see those Shoulds on your shoulder all the time. I see them try to shut down your confidence and drive toward self-improvement and self-love. I can always tell when someone walks into a lesson with a Should; the weight of it slows us down and sometimes we all (including the Should) get frustrated. I can also tell when you have looked that Should square in the face and torn it down Labyrinth style (“You have no power over me!”) and the difference is astounding!

So I invite you to use those Coulds. Coulds are great! They are honest, they help remind you how much choice you have, and they support you on the way to your voice and music goals without judgment.